She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
