I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
