first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
