I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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