Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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