the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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