I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My dick has a subreddit
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
