i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
