mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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