my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
