If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I need to sanitize my soul.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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