some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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