Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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