I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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