He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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