everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
