I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
