The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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