The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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