woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
