I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
