yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
