She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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