I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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