We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
