is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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