They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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