Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
