If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
