4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
