I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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