Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
