Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
