Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
