No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
