You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
