4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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