My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
