My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
