What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
