If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
