Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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