We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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