Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
