I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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