i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
