to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
