was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
