you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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