I hate all girls vehemently.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
