She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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