My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
