my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
